When my husband and I separated, a long winter followed with waves of grief so powerful they knocked me to the ground.
Fortunately I had a very clear intention to find a path of love in the letting go that was required of me.
I reached out for help. My therapist listened to my story and offered support and love and my dear friends walked with me and gave me new perspective.
I wrote in my journal, maintained a regular art practice where I processed my feelings and I performed rituals that were all focused on letting go with love.
I began in my bedroom.
I asked my husband to take our bed and our dresser and the night tables too. I knew that it was important to remove anything from my bedroom that reminded me of us as a couple.
Then I took absolutely everything that remained out of my room including the curtains. I washed all the surfaces including the floor, the walls, the closet shelves, the windows and the blinds. I put essential oils in the cleaning water to for a healing aroma.
I ended up with an empty shell that, in retrospect, was rather like myself.
Ritual is rich with metaphor.
Then I began rebuilding. I moved my clothes back into the closet making sure to rearrange them and take up space in the entire closet, not just the part I used to inhabit.
After that was done, I needed something to sleep on.
It was challenging being at the furniture store choosing a mattress. I didn’t want the salesperson to know that I was newly single and yet it felt like I had the word “divorced” written across my forehead.
On my next shopping excursion, I called a friend to go along with me. She brought fun into the picture. She had me bouncing on all of the mattresses to find the one that was right for me.
I returned a few days later on my own and chose a mattress but unfortunately I didn’t yet have the courage to place the order.
I called my friend in tears and told her that I had found my mattress but I was too afraid to order it. I told her that it cost too much money and buying a mattress meant my relationship was definitely over for good.
My friend talked some sense into me. She said, “Jovanna, you need a mattress. Go get a mattress”. I went and ordered my mattress.
When it was delivered later that week the box spring would not fit up the stairs so I had to wait until a split box spring could be ordered (As I write this I imagine there is another metaphor here!). In the meantime I slept with my new mattress on the floor and I purposefully put the head of my “bed” on the opposite side of the room to where it had been previously. I loved experiencing this new perspective of my room.
After I bought bright white sheets to go with my white down comforter and 4 panels of white curtains to replace the ones I’d taken down, my bedroom seemed brand new.
It was like a gentle white cloud. It comforted me in my grief and held me as I healed.
When I work with clients who are separated or divorced and I sense that they are still holding on to the past I begin by recommending that they buy a new set of sheets.
Then we work our way into the heart of letting go with love, one step at a time.
We clear out, clean up, rebuild and eventually make our way together to celebration.
It’s a beautiful process one that I feel honoured to usher my clients through.
When I awoke one morning earlier this week, I opened my curtains and I was greeted by green! I can’t tell you how wonderful it felt to see tiny green blossoms beginning to form on the maple tree in my front yard.
It reminded me of the light hearted feeling I had several months after my husband and I separated. I was walking down the street and passed a nice looking man. We looked at one another and smiled and for the first time I realized I had a spring in my step!
One Comment
What a sweet story…..your blog helps me learn more and more about the life of my dear sister! I know this time was complex and your ritual inspiring! Love you!